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The closer I get, the further I feel.
The higher I get, the smaller I feel.
Yet I can willingly look at the person next to me and decide to look at the Creator. Then something BIG happens inside my heart. It does not stay, but a sparkle is another beginning!
I need to develop new terms for how I feel and what blew my mind. I started to study kaballah to gain more insight, become more spiritual, gain wisdom etc… now I find myself with more boundaries, more ego and more shame and disgust about myself than I ever had. It’s like a huge light beamed on me showing me only dark sides. Dark sides I was created to be. Kind of hard to swallow yet it feels just so real.
And it answers so many questions.
I have looked for since birth. I must have come in already into single concealment although I remember being way more connected as a child, way more aware. Then suffering started yet I didn’t give up, I kept looking and searching and I don’t ever remember blaming the Creator only for the shadows. I blamed it on my inability to understand, to see, to comprehend what was wanted by me and some occasional fights.
I thought I had it down. Nothing in this life is actually real? Of course not. I even had a comprehension of the root and branches albeit not as simple and sophisticated. I knew pain was a push.
Yet now I feel I know absolutely nothing. I see only desires. Big, mostly stupid and worthless desires I would do anything to fulfill. And some I do, and when I do I feel even more empty and stupid and worthless as I know that’s NOT what I really want but I can’t help myself.
I’ve never been a big shopper, never compared myself to many others, the occasional treat, some tech stuff I’d enjoy the upgrade but the intensity of my latest desires is insane! I want to buy anything and everything and for no good reason.
I understand, from my studies, this is useful to see my distance from the Creator, my make, and my limits, and I do ask for correction non stop and I do delete 99% of carts unless I can buy something FOR someone else to TRY and shift my intent.
But it’s HARD.
It’s exhausting.
And I feel like I’m failing every day, every moment.
I feel like a small child barely able to walk. Yet I want to run.
Anyhow, this was quite a rant but I felt like sharing. I love you all and I love even the hardest moments. I can’t wait to learn from the group and see what more my ego has to give! I guess…
