In order to have fear that I will not be able to bestow, do I have to have at least a small vessel of bestowal, a small screen, at least an idea of what it means to bestow?
I have never been able to bestow. I don’t have this fear. Instead I have another sensation. I have been in deep darkness these past few days (same with the world kli) and now it feels like it’s going to lift a little bit, like I am about to receive another awakening from above, as it has happened many times before. I used to look forward to these “illuminations in the heart” but now I am dreading it, because of the acute awareness that it’s gonna go straight into my will to receive. It can’t go anywhere else – I have no screen, no vessel of bestowal, I will just take it an enjoy it intellectually or whatever and I don’t want this. I would rather not have it. I would rather stay in the darkness, cause here at least I have some awareness of what an incredible egoist I am. If I get the illumination, I will feel good and I will forget. I don’t know what to do and at this point it feels like I would rather go back to sleep than have this. What can I do?